King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.