“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
bought wrong eggs
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.