texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.