DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
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Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
hmmm
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.