I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.