*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.