If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.