I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin