Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Bring back the McRib
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party