a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Optional boss fight.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)