I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.