[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
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Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
just got my engagement photos
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.