🙂🐾
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I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.