Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Milk Cube
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion