“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!