Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
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is this a warning or an offer?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Buck naked
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.