*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?