Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
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Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I feel attacked.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.