Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Wednesday
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker