Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”