*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
british sex workers really pound for pound
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
are they though??
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My current situation
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.