I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.