My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Ain’t no way
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
They’re on their honeymoon
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.