I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I feel it
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?