My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Maths meets science
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!