did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I bet birds love this building.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.