Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby