My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.