ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?