Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Oh my God.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
TODAY
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
tell em, edith-anne
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?