[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
You Might Also Like
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
🤣🤣
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.