Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Monica just destroyed the internet
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
inside you are two wolves
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.