*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??