Optional boss fight.
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I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
cry laughing at this shit
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.