I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
You Might Also Like
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.