[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
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Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.