*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
You Might Also Like
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]