The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
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After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair