People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Not today, today.
Not today.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.