[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
🤣😂🤣
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.