local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
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Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”