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me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The Friday File.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Monday
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?