What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*