My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
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I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe