No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
😂💯
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef