Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
fourth time’s the charm
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”