In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory