Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it