I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
This meal prepping shit is easy
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
This did not end as expected.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday