I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
broke down and did it
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.